the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
