D3 body, D1 cock
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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