Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
