Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
