We named our party play list daddy issues
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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