I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
