i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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