Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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