We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we should paint friendship bongs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
