They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
