Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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