he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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