I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
