I will die if light touches me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
