She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
