oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
