My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
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