I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
