He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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