my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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