Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
