I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
