no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
