Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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