i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
