i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
