You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
