Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
