They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
