I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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