did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
