you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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