I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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