the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
