is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
