i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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