dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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