Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
