giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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