2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
