Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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