I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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