wrigley field is MILF paradise
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
