The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
