I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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