She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My bed smells like the plague
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
