hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
