hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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