Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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