he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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