just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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