Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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