I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
