So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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