I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
