She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
