chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
