He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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